Might be Depressed...


I'm concerned that I'm showing signs of depression & I'm not sure what to do about them. I've considered getting myself some counseling but in this area its so hard to find & often times you wait forever for an appointment. There are very few independent therapists you can go & speak to.

I just feel like 90% of the time, I'm just below that happy mark. Like even when something is really good, or really exciting I just can't muster up the emotion to feel excited about it. Its like I want to get excited but I just can't get past bland.

On top of that, I've noticed that I'm staying home a ton more then I used to. At first I contributed it to having our own house. But to be honest we aren't anymore comfy in this house then were in our last rental, maybe even less so cause this one needed some TLC to get to be "homey". But, I 'll find myself hoping that I don't need to go anywhere unless Jon is going to come with me & then often even when I've decided to do something I change my mind later & just don't do it.

I'm wondering if its winter. Because the one thing that does make me feel better is knowing that summer is coming & soon there won't be snow everywhere. Also, the idea of going away with Jon. But I'm even worried I'll get myself all worked up for that & actually get excited & it will be a let down because its the not same as it was last year.

Jon took his Jeep Wrangler off the road & that's what we took last year. You could take the top off & the weather was beautiful, so we took the trip slow & just enjoyed the ride. We smoked, which seems like such a stupid, horrible thing to miss, but it was always 10 minutes of time I could count on seeing Jon & I miss the act smoking more then I crave the cigarrette. Why this bothers me...it just does.

I know, I know...I won't start smoking again.

Jon made a comment about not taking the Jeep may ruin this vacation for him. That really hurt too & made me realize I'm really banking on getting away & having a week for us to connect again without work/Isis/his parents/work/work/work, etc.

Argh, I know what he meant when he said it, its just in my nature to take it personally.

I hope this gets better soon.